Everyone wants to know they aren't alone....

Do the feelings and hurt ever leave? It seems like they just get stronger the more you fight it. How does everyone do it? It seems like you are the last one standing and you are the biggest moron alive and everyone is pointing and laughing. Awwww such a great feeling!! The feelings are just so built up inside....frustration, anger, hurt, confusion, love, hope, charity. How do I straighten all of these feelings out. I of course don't want to feel the bad feelings but the good ones really can't be felt either. This is why it's so tough and nobody truly understands. Am I a fool for ever caring or letting myself possibly think it could ever be...Maybe so. I too easily let myself care for people and give them my whole heart for them to stomp on and crush. In all the crazy jumbled thoughts that go through my head I think to myself that I have to stop caring so easily for people, but really is that such a bad thing that I want to be there for someone and do anything for them and share every moment, laugh and thought with them?
I was told by a good friend that we are human we need someone to care for and be with. We are not meant to be alone! Why is then that so many choose to be and are okay with it....really I don't get it and don't know if I ever will. I do feel alone regardless of all the friends and family that are incredible......something is still missing.

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?” -unknown author

I hope these feelings will forever be with me...

So this last week has been a tough one. I have just had many things going on and a lot of over time at a crazy job and not a whole lot of down time to just feel the spirit. I have been one emotional person. haha!! I hate that....when the dumbest things make you cry like a big boob and you try so hard not to cry in front of any one but this weekend I couldn't hide it any longer. All week long I new I had general conference to look forward to. It definitely is what I needed!! I for once stayed awake for every single talk. I even watched the shows in between the sessions. One in particular really got me. It was about Panama and the new temple. The people there are so humble and so kind. It made me realize how much I really have and how easy I have it. It was amazing the strong testimonies and spirit I felt watching this. I want to be like them and take advantage of having the temple and being surrounded by the gospel every day. It also made me realize how money and the worldly possessions really don't matter. They have so little but to them they have everything in knowing our savior Jesus Christ and the plan he has for them. I want to strive to be like those people. I would love to be able to go to Panama. I added it to places to visit as just watching this two hour interview with them made me love Panama and the people!!

I also was very touched by our prophet Thomas Monsen today in the morning session. He talked about change and looking to the future. We need to be there for those friends and loved ones because at anytime they might be gone. I know I am definitely guilty of taking those I care about for granted. I want to serve them and I mostly want them to know that I love them so much even if I don't always show it. I am really glad that conference was this week...I really needed it! I know that the harder I try to become more like my savior the harder Satan works on me and puts a lot of negative thoughts in my head about myself and worries about how others might view me and that is why this last week has been a real challenge for me. I am grateful for all those who listen and care about me and help me become a better person!

Rules are rules and shouldn't be broken...right?!?

So they say that rules are meant to be broken, but I'm just not feeling like I agree with that. I think that rules are rules and should be followed by EVERYONE! In this world today people have become so manipulative and conniving and know how to get whatever they want with excuse after excuse. It gets old....really old! Okay so maybe I am just venting for a minute and will feel much better after. :) It seems like most play by the rules but then you have a handful of people that can't ever do anything right and need an exception for everything. Honestly I mostly feel sorry for them because they are so dumb. So let's all just play by the rules and do things right the first time. I feel better now!

life is hard but so worth it....

I just wonder sometimes why things happen the way they do and in the order they do. It's almost like someone upstairs is playing a joke on you! I know if it wasn't hard it would be easy and what is the fun in that?!? We are here to progress, learn and grow! Why is that so hard to accomplish?? Really I am not sure where my thought are taking me on this. I just know that my spirituality has gotten so strong in the last few months. It's amazing to me how the lord answers prayers in a round about way. I've finally learned how amazing it is and such a blessing to be a woman and all the divine qualities that come with that. I'm also realizing how important family is and hope that soon I will be able to have my own to share special times with. Life is hard but what we make of it will depend all on YOU! I am learning that and that attitude all depends on you as well. A great person I know has taught me that in the last couple years. I hope to be more charitable and loving toward all those around me. THE CHURCH IS TRUE!!

sometimes you just need to be outside...

So a couple weeks ago it was ward conference. I had every intention of going and feeling the spirit that was much needed. My good friend Patrick came and picked me up and off we went to the conference center. It was so stinking crowded when we got there he said to me "do you want to just take a drive somewhere?" I thought for a split second and said "YES!" So off we went through Heber valley. It was beautiful! the leaves were starting to change and it was just a nice change of pace from the busy city life scenery. I would love to live up there! So we then ended up at bridal veil falls and decided to get out and walk around. It was actually my first time there. I realy enjoyed it. My point to all of this is I really did feel the spirit that day. I know we didn't quite make it to the conference but sometimes just being on gods earth and listening to the silence you can really feel that comfort and love from are father in heaven. I am so thankful for the nature that we have to enjoy it truly brings me peace!

So.....

I haven't been here in awhile. It feels a little awkward to be back in the blogging world. I've been feeling for long time now I don't belong anywhere. I am struggling to find where and what I need at this point in my life. I'm pretty sure I know why I am not going anywhere. I am scared to find out the answers; so I am not asking or searching. I am sitting in the comfortable stuck zone that in reality just isn't comfortable. I know I have potential to go far and do things I never imagined, but I am scared. I am scared of being shot down or embarrassed, not good enough, not pretty or funny enough, or worst of all not smart enough. I second guess everything I do. how do I get away from that and believe in myself and the powers out there?? I want to be the person I know I can be...it's just figuring out how to get there.
There are so many wonderful people in my life. I take advantage every day that I have them. I fear one day it will be too late and they will all be gone. I have this passion towards others that I don't let come out too often. I have this desire to serve people and make people happy! I feel that side of me comes out when I am around my coworkers. I feel as though they are family to me; I would do anything for them. I wish that I could be like this around all of the world. I am confident, bold, happy,energetic when I am at work. When it comes to being in a forced social setting where I don't know everyone I shut down and become withdrawn and uncomfortable. The question is why?? This blog probably makes no sense whatsoever, but it feels good to me and that's all I care about right now!